Midnight musings

Sometimes at night I have trouble sleeping.  I always used to be up until midnight anyway, so that's normal for me, but sometimes now I'm up several hours longer, thinking.  What do I think about in the middle of the night?  Take a look.

When my body finally functions well enough to roll over whenever I want throughout the night, almost without effort, will it actually remember that this is the key to comfort? Will I roll over often enough to stay loose and comfortable, or will my body, so long trapped in inability, continue to stay in one position all night and make me awaken stiff and poorly rested in the morning?

Is there an exercise bike where the foot pedals are driven by a set of hand pedals?  Then I could sit there and exercise my arms, and have it force my legs to go through the pedaling motions at the same time, until my legs get strong enough to drive the pedals on their own.  That would be cool.

How can I reach more people with my blog?  How do I promote it on the wide, wide web? How can I get the attention of publishers who might be interested in paying me to write something?  Can I somehow make a new career out of writing, while I'm working on getting mobile enough to return to office work?  I wish I knew more about marketing and outreach.

Hope is a little scary.  I've made so much progress in such a short time the past few weeks, it opens the doors to bigger and greater possibilities in the future.  But I've been shoved back down so many times, it's frightening to get too optimistic.  Could I really possibly stand unassisted in a couple more weeks?  If I can someday stand, could I really possibly walk again?  Do I dare to dream of such things, set myself up for that kind of disappointment?  If I lost it all again tomorrow, as I have before, would I survive it again?  Could I start over one more time?  I hope I don't have to find out.

How can a show about cars, which I don't exactly find fascinating as topics of conversation or interest, be so darn addicting??  I am totally in love with Britain's TopGear.  It's funny, full of beautiful cars, entertaining cross-country race challenges, and makes me actually pay attention to the performance differences between Mercedes and BMW, between Ferrari and Lamborghini.  Most importantly, though, it makes me laugh, and stop thinking about my aching lower back or my exhausting quest to relieve pressure on my sensitive skin.

Does my husband lay awake at night missing me like I miss him?  I think sometimes he does.  Of course, he has plenty to keep him busy when he can't sleep or is lonely for me.  Lots of laundry to keep up with, the housework, etc.  But I know he misses me while he does those things, and while I lay here watching the same programs repeat on television, I miss him terribly.  He's my best friend, and every afternoon that he spends with me, even if we just sit here holding hands, even if I fall asleep and just know subconsciously that he's still here beside me, every second that we spend outside watching the rain together, are the best moments of my days around here.  Sometimes when I can't sleep I'm thinking of him, from the way he smiles at me, his playful teasing, the dedicated way he exercises my legs, to the way he won't put up with me being neglected, the ferocious way he defends and cares for me, and the way he breaks sometimes, burying his face against my infuriating legs to hide his tears of joy at the way they move now even when I'm still raging about what they can't yet do, and with those thoughts of him, I weep until sleep finally finds me.

I love the sounds of the outdoors.  I keep my window open all the time, even when it is (gasp) sometimes a little too chilly for me (yes, it's true, even I get a little cold sometimes).  I like to hear the rain fall, the pattering on the leaves, their rustle when the wind blows.  I like the sights of it too.  I like to sit outside in my wheelchair and watch the clouds march across the sky, the sun disappearing and reappearing amongst them like it's too skittish to stay out in the open, the movement of the wind through trees and grasses and leaves, the passing by of cars and of visiting people.  Remember in Phenomenon when Travolta's character, tormented by the onset of an intense intellectualism he couldn't shut down, would stand and gaze at the wind in the branches, swaying gently until he calmed down?  I absolutely get that.  I wish I could go out in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, the way I used to go for walks in college all over campus in the dead of night.  Then I would find peace, and be able to sleep.

And these people wonder why I'm so sleepy in the mornings.