Forget about the fool....I pity the hoo-hah!

The phrase "a comedy of errors" has all new meaning for me today.  I knew it was not going to get off to a great start because I never had a bowel movement yesterday, and that means I would have to submit to a suppository this morning.  As uncomfortable as that is, I was willing to take that in lieu of the discomfort of another day of being bound up.  I could hardly swallow any breakfast because my stomach felt uncomfortably full of gas pressure already.  So I was almost relieved to be rolled onto my side and bracing myself for the uncomfortable but quick pressure of the nurse inserting the suppository into my bum.  You can imagine my surprised alarm when the uncomfortable quick pressure registered in my va-hoo-hah instead.  

WHOAAAA NELLY!  (I did tell you my brain speaks in all-caps, didn't I?)  I immediately informed my nurse that she had the wrong hole, and she tried to fish the thing back out.  This is an exercise in utter futility, just so you know. Suppositories are designed to melt in the hot wet environment they are intended for, and they don't really know the difference when they wind up in the wrong place.  The mortified nurse went out to consult with the doctor to find out what we should do about this problem.  Already my poor hoo-hah was beginning to burn and complain.  My therapist showed up, and I regretfully informed her that I wasn't ready to begin therapy because I'd just received a suppository in my hoo-hah.  This didn't register with her at first, so I proceeded to explain that we weren't sure how to get it back out or what to do about it.  Then it sunk in what I'd said, and she and I shared a glance that said "How does that happen?!?" which neither of us could answer.  We decided to reschedule my therapy session for tomorrow.  

When the nurse came back she said the doctor wanted us to flush my angry hoo-hah with water.  This was fundamentally objectionable to me as I was raised and educated by my ob/gyn to understand that douching is not a healthy practice for women under normal circumstances, since a woman's genitals are designed to be self-cleaning so long as you don't do things to screw up their natural pH balance and such.  But who knew what kind of damage the suppository could do, so in the end I decided to let them try to flush it out.  If you've never douched before, my hoo-hah doesn't recommend cold water for your first try.  

I ended up missing almost all of my morning therapies, and half of my lunch, since the  second suppository that we DID get in the right place kicked in right in the middle of trying to eat.  Then it was time to get ready for afternoon therapies.  I wasn't about to miss those just because of a little frustration down under, so the aides and therapists and I joked about the situation while we got me into the Hoyer lift to transfer to the wheelchair.  Humor is the best way to handle things like this sometimes, that's for sure.  I told them I didn't want to try a sliding transfer because if I got a wedgie after the morning I'd had, my hoo-hah might never forgive me, and we had a good laugh.  I went to exercise group and made it through the arm exercises okay, then was looking forward to trying some more of the surprisingly successful foot movement exercises we'd managed to squeeze in during the morning.  My right foot had pressed downward visibly!  I was super excited to try it again, but when we got to my room the transporter was waiting to take me to Radiation, so we missed that therapy session too.

We'll make up all my missed therapies tomorrow, though.  Another day, another chance to improve.  And maybe by then my hoo-hah and I will be back on speaking terms.