Cliffhanger

I continue to climb to new heights of achievement.  I even surprise myself sometimes.  Today in therapy I started out with using a walker in the hallway.  First segment, I walked 66 feet before resting, besting my previous record by more than twenty feet.  And that's just the beginning.  After that rest, I turned around, and aimed to walk back to where I started, maybe further.  Maybe, indeed.  I walked to where I started, then on to the end of the colored tile pattern in the floor, and then on to where the tiling stopped at the carpeted entrance to someone's office.  It was a full ninety feet.  I walked 156 feet in just two segments.  It took four segments to get to 140 last week.  

And we still weren't done.

Of course, I had to have another rest before we continued, and a drink of water.  After that we discussed the mechanics of going up stairs, with the therapist demonstrating the positions he wanted me to use with the walker, and how to place my body in relation to it, for maximum balance and stability.  Then I got up and stepped onto a two-inch stair.  Twice.  Combined with all the long distance walking, it was enough to completely fatigue my legs so we called the session early at that point; my knee joints were too wobbly and shaky to do anything more safely.  I felt like the queen of the world, like I could have high-fived everyone in the room if they weren't already busy trying to achieve their own goals or assisting their patients with that endeavor.

There's just one tiny little problem with all this phenomenal progress.  The higher I climb, the more I realize I'm perched on the edge of the cliff.  I have done all this before, and lost it.  I completed physical therapy, made the arduous progression from standing to walking to stairs, only to find myself flat on my back again days later.  Am I paralyzed with fear of losing it all again?  Do I agonize over it every waking moment?  Hell no.  But I'd be lying if I didn't acknowledge that in the back of my mind, a tiny voice begs to be saved from that fate, from having to start over one more time.  On Monday I meet with my oncologist to discuss our options and plans for chemotherapy.  A major factor in my decisions on that subject will be the very real threat such treatment may pose to my strengthening body.  I didn't come this far to let a bunch of chemicals destroy my stamina and muscles.